December 29, 1994 

Proctor & Gamble & Pringles Bastards
Cincinnati, OH 45201

To Whom It Should Concern: 

Pringles have been part of my daily life since I can remember. I don't think there has been a day when I haven't eaten them. That's is until what happened yesterday as I opened my very last can of Pringles.

The day started out much like any other. Around lunchtime, I made myself a ham sandwich and poured myself a cup of grape Kool-Aid. Nothing seemed unusual when I first began to open the new can of Regular Pringles that I had been keeping in my cupboard since I purchased them the day before.

I was startled quite a bit at the "brown blur" that bolted out of the Pringles can as I popped off the top. Something had shot out like a cannon, and whatever it was was buzzing through the air at lightning speed, ripping pictures down and scratching up the walls! All that I could tell at this point was that whatever this was, it shouldn't have come out of a new can of Pringles. I was stunned.

Finally, the beast stopped to chew a hole through my recliner, and I immediatly knew what it was. It was a flying squirrel! A flying squirrel, like the one seen on that old cartoon, Rocky & Bullwinkle. Only this squirrel was not nice like the one from the cartoon. And I can imagine why. I would be pretty pissed off if I was stuffed into a Pringles can, too!

What I want to know is, why in Hell would you put a viscous flying squirrel in my Pringles? What have I done to you?

Oh, but this fiasco is not over! Not by a long shot! This damn flying tree rat continued to destroy my apartment, clawing, ripping, and bitting everything in sight! He destroyed everything. I was able to get a mop and finally shoo him out the door, but not before he bit my ear off.

Now you would think that the problem was over with, but oh no! Now the hell spawn is in the trees that surround the complex pool, so whenever someone gets near that area, he swoops down with blinding force and claws their face off. I made the mistake of telling the apartment management where the thing had come from, and now they're telling me that I am responsible for getting rid of it. Great! They're giving me only two weeks to make it disappear or I'm going to be evicted.

I haven't a clue what to do about this, so since the little freak came out of one of your cans, I'm asking you what to do. He obviously got into the can at your factory, and I'm assuming that this isn't the first flying squirrel to slip into a can of Pringles. I don't know the first thing about flying squirrels. We don't have them here in Texas, and now I know why.

I also want to know what you're going to do about my ear. Please write back soon, as I don't have much time.

 Sincerely,

 Barry Cuda
 Squirrel Hater

January 26, 1995 

Mr. Barry Cuda
Austin, Texas 78751

Dear Mr. Cuda: 

Thank you for writing to Proctor & Gamble. We are concerned about your recent experiences with Pringles Potato Crisps and appreciate the time you took to share your comments with us.

We're very concerned about your report because maintaining high quality is one of our major objectives. We clean every container before filling it, and regularly check random samples to make sure they're in perfect condition. Manufacturing is done according to rigid and precise formula standards, and production takes place in highly-restricted areas under strictly controled sanitary conditions to prevent the slightest possibility of contamination. All operations are inspected regularly to ensure maximum quality.

The number of checks and inspections we employ should have prevented the "flying squirrel" from entering the Pringles Potato Crisp container that you purchased, and when some like this occurs, we certainly want to be informed. Something must have happened after leaving our strict control.

I assure you we will continue to do everything possible to produce the highest quality products. Comments from our consumers make a valuable contribution to our ongoing quality efforts.

Thanks again for writing. We value you as a consumer and want you to know that you win the award for most original letter Proctor & Gamble has ever received. And because we want you to continue using Pringles with complete satisfaction, I am enclosing a coupon for your next purchase. If you have any questions or comments in the future, you may find it convenient to call the toll-free number listed on all our product packages.

Sincerely,
Joyce Ginney
Consumer Relations
 

Febuary 10, 1995 

Proctor & Gamble Public Affairs Division
Attention: Joyce Ginney
Cincinnati, OH 45201

Dear Ms. Ginney: 

I thank you very much for your asinine corporate response. A lot of good it has done me weeks after I have been evicted.

I'm also real happy to hear that I have won Proctor & Gamble's prestigious award for most original letter ever. How nice. Where's my freakin' prize, because it's the stinking Pringles coupon you sent with the letter, then you can go to HELL! What do you think this is, some sort of joke? Your flying squirrel bit my freakin' ear off, and you send me a stupid coupon for a product that now horrifies me! Wow. Unbelievable.

Let me catch you up on the situation. I tried with all my might to rid the apartment community of that dastardly menace to no avail. I couldn't just shoo him away with my mop, so I had to go out and buy some other equipment. I would have just bought some guns and shot him, but I was told that there was some sort of ban against shooting squirrels in the city limits. So I bought a compound bow, some firecrackers, a chain saw, and a boomerang.

The boomerang didn't work, it came back and hit me in the head and knocked me out for about an hour.

After I came to, I tied the firecrackers to the end of a arrow, lit them, and shot it all into the tree where the squirrel was. Apparently, the squirrel saw what I was up to, and besides being a fast little sucker, I'll have to give it to him that he's a smart little bogger as well. He intercepted the "fire cracking arrow of death" with his mouth, flew over the apartment clubhouse, and dropped the whole mess on the roof. Of course, management came running out and the squirrel began to attack them with his claws and teeth. Damn it all.

For the entire two weeks that I had to get rid of the squirrel, I tried everything. Nothing worked, and I just ended up making bigger and bigger messes, which the apartment management insists that I pay for. I tried to squirt the bastard out of the tree with a garden hose, but that only made the thing mad and he flew down and started biting my ass. So then, I acquired a 50 foot long fire hose and attached it to a fire hydrant. I didn't realize how much pressure those things have when you turn them on full blast. Not only could I not hold on to the hose, but it whipped around like a giant angry snake spitting water, bashing cars and windows and flooding the neighborhood. More damage that the apartment people said I had to pay for. My last resort was to take a chain saw and cut down the main tree that the squirrel was living in. So I commenced to cutting down the tree, all the while the squirrel was swooping down and attacking me like a swarm of bees, but finally the tree falls; right onto one of the apartment buildings, causing more extensive damage. And the squirrel simply moved to another tree.

Finally, the two weeks were up and I was evicted. This was sort of a blessing to me, for I had been in the hospital on several occasions from squirrel attacks, but at least I no longer needed to be concerned with eradicating the damn thing and being assaulted by it. The damages that I had caused to the apartment buildings were well over $50,000, and I now have a class action suit filed against me from the 100 plus people that were attacked by the evil rodent.

So, there. Believe it or not, that's the story. I don't really even want to hear a reply, for it wouldn't do me much good anyway. I just want to put the whole thing behind me. I'm sending your coupon back as I won't be needing it. Just give it to someone else that you want to reek vengeance on.

 Sincerely,

 Barry Cuda
 Evicted & In Debt