May 27, 2005 

University of Texas at Austin
Office of Admissions
P.O. Box 8058
Austin, TX 78713-8058

Dear Denial Appeals Committee,

This spring I applied to transfer to the University of Texas in Austin from the University of North Texas in Denton. Unfortunately, I was denied admission due to my 1.92 GPA. I would like to take this time now to point out some of the reasons why my fuckin' grade point average is what it is and I know that you will find a way to grant me admission.

The main reason for my poor grades in the past was due to my bad study habits. My bad study habits go way back, all the way to kindergarten, in fact. Basically, I just couldn't fuckin' concentrate on a goddamn thing. I have Tourettes Syndrome and I goddamnit uncontrollably cuss and blurt out nonsense quite a bit of the time. I have this fuckin' problem even when I write a cocksucker letter son-of-a-bitch! I don't mean to use swear words - they just fuckin' come out when I talk and write. This problem won't get in the way of my studies at your fine fuckin' school, though - I know good and well that you have to fuckin' deal with people like me who have learning disabilities and such. But just to ease your minds, I doubt that I will actually be in class that much as I have a drinking problem and I often skip out so I can pound down tequila shots and such. I've tried drinking in class at the University of North Texas, but they told me it was against the rules and that if I were caught drunk in class again, I'd get expelled. I'm assuming it's against the rules at your fine fuckin' school, too, but if it isn't, then I'll be goddamned - that's great.

Oh, back to the point at hand… LET ME INTO YOUR SCHOOL, YOU MOTHER-FUCKERS! Ok, ok, I know that's not the way to get you to appeal my fuckin' denial that you previously bestowed on me, but damnit, I've got to say that denying me entry into UT really pissed me off. Ok, where was I? Oh yeah, study habits… No one ever taught me study habits, and therefore my grades suffered. No one even seemed to care if I even did my homework or not, and I was not very motivated to finish my school work because of my drinking and Tourettes Syndrome and all. The only reason that I even looked forward to going to high school was to hook up with the bitches and meet my friends out in the parking lot to get high. After all, it was "high" school - hahaha! I love that! However, the high school faculty was less than thrilled over my attitude towards learning anything because they knew I was stoned all the time friedeggs! Shit. I just mentioned that I get high and stoned. I didn't mean to bring that up, but since the cat is out of the bag, you might as well know that I've developed sort of a drug problem. I want to start off on a good foot here and be truthful. Smoking pot first thing in the morning really calms me down after snorting meth all night, so you won't have to concern yourself with any fuckin' behavioral problems with me you son-of-a-bitch fucker cocksucker dickhead! I truly did not enjoy high school, but somehow the teachers were finally gracious enough to pass my sorry ass after seven years of that mess, and so I graduated. I think they were happier to see me get out of that hellhole than I was if you want to know the truth.

After high school, I knew that I would not get goddamnit far in life unless I enrolled in college and got a degree. I was having trouble finding any school which offered real degrees in anything useful. It seemed that my poor academic performance in high school combined with the score of 430 on the one and only SAT I took was hindering me from getting into any major university. Then I found out that junior colleges would let anyone attend, so I went to one of those for a while. I was still not self disciplined enough to do my homework a lot of the time and I still had shitty study habits along with the goddamn Tourettes Syndrome, drug addictions, drinking problems, and those stupid child molestation charges. However, I was getting along pretty well with a couple of my instructors, and ever so often I'd get baked in my van after class with one of those professors who were into smoking weed and… Wait a minute - I mentioned the child molestation charges, didn't I? Fuck. For the record, the girl told me goddamnit that she 19 years old and she certainly looked a lot older than 12 - that's for sure. Anyway, after two years of making grades anywhere from D's to F's, I matured and realized that I would need to buckle down and get serious about school, otherwise I would end up working a job that I would not like. I once had a job where I had to lick gum off of the bottom of tables and that sucked. That sucked so badly, and the bar owner never ended up paying me, either, the bastard. I didn't want to live in such a rut for the rest of my life - suckitbingtopper!!!

The last semester that I attended junior college, I was porking this fat chick who worked part-time in the administration office at The University of North Texas. I didn't like to be seen in public with this fuckin' tub-of-lard, but the bitch promised that she would make sure I was admitted into UNT if I went to on a trip with her to Niagara Falls that summer. I don't want to get into specifics concerning what I had to do during that trip, but the next thing I know, I was attending UNT that Fall. I ended up dumping that hideous whale soon after classes started, but like a bad case of crabs that just won't go away, neither will she. I may have to shoot the bitch to show her I'm serious.

I gradually improved my study habits at UNT after I discovered these amazing little books called Cliff's Notes, which explains those long boring-ass stories I was supposed to be reading, and does so in short detail. Those fuckin' little yellow and black books kick ass! Not all of my grades have been great at UNT, but I'm sure if you investigate, you will find that my grades have progressively improved cuntlicker over the last two years and that I was able to bring my grades up during this time to the now current 1.92 GPA.

This past semester I took a very difficult foreign language class; Intensive French. It was a fourteen hour course which required many hours of study outside of class. I have never had any experience with foreign language before other than working at a couple of places where everyone except me was speaking fuckin' Mexican. The French class was very fuckin' difficult at first because I couldn't find any goddamnit Cliff's Notes on anything they were talking about, nor could I understand anything that was being said or written. However, after the first couple of weeks into the semester I developed very good study skills and I ended up making better grades than I ever had before. I attribute my acquiring study skills from the instruction of my Intensive French professor, Dr. Crystal Earnest, who offered to tutor me privately in her home at night. Talk about hot for fuckin' teacher! Crystal not only blew my mind, but she'd fuckin' blow something else of mine nearly every tutoring session, if you know what I mean! I was more than willing to study all sorts of French things with her instruction during the past goddamnit semester, and my newfound study habits have led to a considerable increase in my grades where the fuckin' French language is concerned cocksucker mother-fucker! Now I love French, and I can even fuckin' speak some, like parle ne pas Francios…or something like that. This should be taken into fuckin' account when you change your mind and decide to let me into your god damn school, mother-fuckers! To make a long story short, that blubber-monster that got me into UNT in the first place has been stalking me and showing up at the bars where I drink. She even burst into one of my classes at UNT crying a bawling out my name. Thank god I was skipping class that day, but I was told all about it. There she was, crying and wailing my name in the middle of History of Film while everyone was trying to stay awake for Citizen Kane, announcing that she was going to kill herself and all. She's simply psycho and insists on cramping my style and embarrassing me by telling people she's my girlfriend and showing them pictures of us together at Niagara Falls. She's gained even more weight since I dumped her sorry ass nearly two years ago now and she still won't leave me alone, so I moved to Leander after the semester was over to get away from her. Dr. Crystal was a little bummed about it at first, but she's going to come down every weekend to party with me. She likes Austin as much as I do. I suppose she'll keep visiting until she finds some other student who lives in Denton to fuck and suck next semester. I'll have found some other whore by that time, anyway. Most importantly, I assume since I moved down here already that you will just have to let me in.

Although my grade point average is not as good as some of the other students, it is the best it has ever been. I know you will find a way to reconsider so I may be granted admission to your school. I am a talent that your faculty will be proud of - I got mad fuckin' skills! I play darts like no other person I know and I use a special throw that I made up myself! I may suck at math, science, and tennis, but I've been told I write pretty well and I can talk really good. I aim to be a lawyer, so math, science, and tennis does not enter into my goal anyway. I'm going to be a lawyer so that I can make cops look like fuckin' dickheads in court. When I get them up on the stand, I'm going to get in their face and show them who their daddy is. Oh yeah, mother-fuckers! That way, they can't do a fuckin' thing to me anymore because I will have power over them in court and they'll stop fuckin' with me. I trust that my letter here along with the recommendation letter Dr. Crystal is sending you will prove that I am capable of making good grades. I can promise you that I will fuckin' strive to be on my best behavior while attending your school, and if you have any hot female professors or at least some of those TA chicks who like to fuck and/or smoke ganja, I'm sure everything will be smooth sailing. Meanwhile, I look forward to hearing your decision to tell me that you're going to let me attend UT.

 Sincerely thanking you for your time and apologies for the fuckin' Tourettes Syndrome,

 Barry Cuda
 

Summer, 2005 

Mr. Barry Cuda
Leander, Texas 78641

Dear Mr. Cuda: